Friday, March 8, 2013

Defining moments and realities

   Well, it's been a while since I've written.  There is a reason for that, which I'll get to in a moment.  I thought it would be a good time to see a little compare and contrast here with my little man.  Here is a picture of clayton on his last day of chemo passing out the hats to all of the children.  I never, ever saw how bad he looked that day.  I guess my mom eyes had either disregarded it, or just looked past it to enjoy the victory that day brought.  The picture next to it is Clayton last weekend at Cort's baseball tournament... with great bone marrow, full energy, eyelashes, eyebrows and some hair.  He really has more hair than is shown.  The sun kind of washed him out a little.  So thankful that he is healing, and being brought back to full health.
     So, for the reason I have had to take a break... My heart has had so much on it that I wanted to share and write about, but honestly, I think we finished treatment, did Christmas, moved into a house, made the one year from diagnosis and looking back just hurt too much.  It's like if I just keep looking forward, then I can pretend that the past didn't happen and that we are free and clear.  As you all know, this is not the case.  We are certainly cancer free now, and we trust that we will remain that way, but the nagging voice of reality reminds me that the fear and truth still remain... that this is something Clayton and all of us will be facing for a good long while.  It's just so much easier to not revisit it, put up a wall, and act like the door to the past is locked and there's no key that opens it.  And with Clayton having his hair grow in and his color back, people don't obviously notice him as a "cancer kid"... which makes it easier to go around town and be normal...which is nice.  However, I will say that I still look for every single opportunity to share his testimony.  To let people know that Clayton is my little miracle and a picture of God's grace and healing.  In that way, I do feel sad that Clayton blends in because the opportunities seem fewer.
     As February 9th approached, I did relive the day that the clinic called and asked to have Chad and I come in without Clayton.  I remember the exact item of clothing I was folding, what I was wearing, where my kids were, how it felt when my knees hit the ground... oh... I remember every second of that day.  That day was a HUGE defining moment in my life.  Probably  the biggest.  It forever changed how I appreciate life, how I deal with my children, what I place as most important, what I truly believe about the Lord as my father.. healer... and His arms that hold me... it has forever changed me.. It also brought in me a fear so great... a hurt so deep.. and a type of pain that I didn't even know existed.  Somehow, when I look at this little face now smiling, shooting baskets, asking questions, laughing, arguing, playing baseball and all the things little boys do, I just want to see what's right in front of me... not whats behind and not even what the future MIGHT bring.  I just want to enjoy today and be thankful for it.   I want to just be happy and so grateful for my little lobster.. (Clayton played Larry the Lobster last night in his school play)... I just want to rest in today and continue to BEG God for a cancer free forever.
   I know we all have things in our past, situations that defined us and maybe not in the way that we want to be defined... Maybe we don't want to be that divorcee, the widow, the young mother..... The CANCER MOM..maybe we define ourselves by what we do for a living, the money we have, the house we live in... or the kids we're raising.   One thing I know for sure is that my God knew my defining moments before they happened... all of them.. He knew the precious moment when my husband chose me as his bride, He knew the moments my babies were born, He knew the moment my precious would face cancer. He knew.. He also knows our future.  He knows the defining moments to come.  He knows what Clayton's future wife looks like, what his kids will be named.. He knows.  I just rest in that today and pray and BEG for continued health and promises of good.   Please continue to pray for our family, for Clayton's continued health, and for all of the kids dealing with cancer and other terrible illnesses.  God is Bigger... Clayton is proof!