Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Tis the night before follow up scans

 Well tomorrow is a busy day for us.  Chad and I will be taking Clayton to Cook Children's for his 3 month scans.  I HATE SCAN DAY.. in fact, I hate the entire idea of scans.  The whole idea that someone is staring at a screen searching for a problem in my son's brain, ear and face, while he is laying back calmly watching a movie.  I'm nearby in a chair avoiding all eye contact with the MRI technician, sitting looking at my book, but not comprehending any of the words, and just praying and begging God for a clear report.  I would say it's just unfair, but honestly.. how could I really say that?  My son is walking cancer free and completely healthy.  No, ear aches, no fevers, no muscle problems, no broken spirit... just carefree and an 8 year old kid.  That was my prayer, it was answered... I'm feeling like that's more than fair, I guess. BUT, it still doesn't take away the anxiety, grief, FEAR, and heartbreak that accompanies Scan Day.
   This month is hard for me.  Two years ago today is when we got that awful call.  Some friends have even since told me they knew exactly where they were and what they were doing when they heard that my sweet son had cancer.  UGGhh.. oh how I wish we could go back to the blissfully ignorant life before cancer existed.  For me now, cancer is a huge fear, a threat, a monster that haunts this momma.  I just pray and pray and pray everytime the evil word lurks in my mind. I watch Clayton run to the car after school and thank God, I watch him run up and down the basketball court, and I thank God.  I hear Clayton telling jokes, and I thank God.
      I know in the last two years I have grown a tremendous amount in ways I never expected, for that I am thankful.  I have learned that we have a living God who performs miracles.  I have witnessed them and am still brought to tears when I speak of them.  I have learned that days are super precious and a gift.  EVERY day is.  One of the best things I've learned is to appreciate kids for who THEY are. Guess what.. it doesn't matter that your kid or mine is the best on the field or court.. NO ONE is going to care when he or she is an adult. NO ONE... BUT, they might remember the hurtful words or fools we adults made of ourselves on the sidelines.  Hurts to think about, but true.  Just love and encourage them to be their best in using the gifts the Lord has given them. That's a whole different blog topic there... Wow.
   Anyway,  tomorrow is the big day.  I'll go to sleep with knots in my stomach and wake up with knots in my stomach.  The doctor will pick up the otoscope  tomorrow to look in Clayton's ear and I'll hear my heart pounding in my head until he says its fine. I'll sit in that loud room with Clayton during the MRI and my mind will go over the dreaded "what ifs" that I try to avoid. The phone will ring in the afternoon/evening with the number of Cooks and I'll stop breathing.  It will happen.  I hate scan day.  Please pray for us as we go.  Thank you for holding us up the past two years and continuing to do so.  Believing for a GREAT report tomorrow.  I will be STILL And know HE is God.