Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Enduring the Trial...
The past couple of weeks, I've been hearing a lot about trials. I've read and heard many hard stories of people going through trials, feeling hurts that seem impossible to deal with, and feeling lost in a sea of uncertainty. I am NO expert.. in fact, I need the trial discussion worse than anyone, so I guess I am going to use this moment to make myself feel better too.
As I look back on my life, I see many hurts and trials I've experienced... most of them too personal and hurtful to discuss in this public forum. Just know, I've been down a few roads and felt many things that strangely make me relate to many different people. As I was walking through each trial separately, I've thought... nothing will ever be worse than THIS.. Well, as you all know, last February my list of "lifetime trials" got trumped with this BIG experience with my precious child. My heart broke, my spirit died, my eyes filled with tears and my love for the God who has always helped me up DID NOT CHANGE. Yep, you read it... Did I question Him.. you betcha! Did I get mad at him? YEP! Am I STILL mad sometimes? Sure Am... But He has always been MY God and I've continued to be able to feel His presence through my agony.
I honestly dont think that God "Allows us to endure trials". I just can't believe that, and I've heard many people say "Why would a God who is Good, do this?" Trust me, I've been there and still am there sometimes... I believe that God doesn't "allow" the trial, but He surrounds us while we're "IN" the trial. I just can't believe that God "Allows" a child to have cancer or a Christian Man to suddenly fall away from God and leave for another family or A mother to suffer depression severe enough that she sees her life as meaningless and only worth ending or a family to experience the heartbreak of losing their teenager in a car accident, I will just never believe that God would see a child suffer and "allow" it. But, even with the question of how the trial became and why... the answer being one I may not know until I approach His throne in heaven, I still know that He gives us the ability to persevere and grow and learn through it. I am trusting in His promise in James 1:13 " Blessed in the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love Him. " Let me say for the record, I am NOT thankful for my trial.. I do NOT count it all joy... I am NOT feeling "blessed that the Lord chose Clayton to grow and learn through this".. (yes, this has been said to me). I'm still mad, still discouraged, still afraid like I've never been before, but somehow I am trying to find God within my circumstance, hand it over to Him (as hard as that is) and trust His goodness to shine in the end.
The little song "He is Good" also has a child saying this verse very animated in the middle.. I'll share "Psalm 145:8-11... The Lord is GRACIOUS and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. The Lord is good to ALL. He has compassion on ALL He has made. All you have made will praise you, Oh Lord. Your saints will extol you. They will tell of the glory of your kingdom... speak of your might." My hope and prayer is that through all of this and through the experiences that are to come.. that all FOUR of my children would grow up, know of the Goodness of the Lord, trust in His hand of healing and protection, and fully grasp the gift of His faithfulness through all circumstances. Four healthy kids remembering this moment of God getting us through the trial, and forever being grateful for his Goodness.. That's my prayer.