Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Enduring the Trial...

 This has been a great week for Clayton.  He is at school, which makes him completely happy, and he's feeling well.  His red cells are high enough that he has lots of energy and last time we checked, his white counts were amazing too.  Personally, I think his good days are alot in part because he feels normal.  He feels like a normal kid, going to normal school, reading normal books and being one of the gang.  I'll take it! He's so excited that the next time he has to get poked for anything is 8 days from now!  He's going to have 10 days total with NO pokes! YEAH!  The pictures here are of him LOVING his flag football practices.  He's so happy and loving being the QB and Running back.
   This week, we've been listening to a little song that Clayton has been working on called "He is Good".  I was able to download a kids version that begins with a little child speaking these words, "Nothing makes us want to worship God more than this one thing... He is GOOD! Life can be hard, things are not always fair, bad things happen, but God is ALWAYS ALWAYS Good!"  I had never heard this version before, so the little voice speaking  on the recording touched me... but not nearly like it did Clayton.  As soon as the child finished speaking, I could see the wheels in his brain turning, and with that I hear," Mom... that girl said just what I think. Bad things aren't fair, are they?"  Me-  "No, Baby, they sure aren't, but aren't we thankful that God is good enough to help us through?"  I still see the wheels turning, but I know he's sure of the goodness of God.  I know he feels covered by the love of a God who will NEVER forsake him.
      The past couple of weeks, I've been hearing a lot about trials.  I've read and heard many hard stories of people going through trials, feeling hurts that seem impossible to deal with, and feeling lost in a sea of uncertainty.  I am NO expert.. in fact, I need the trial discussion worse than anyone, so I guess I am going to use this moment to make myself feel better too.
    As I look back on my life, I see many hurts and trials I've experienced... most of them too personal and hurtful to discuss in this public forum.  Just know, I've been down a few roads and felt many things that strangely make me relate to many different people.  As I was walking through each trial separately, I've thought... nothing will ever be worse than THIS.. Well, as you all know, last February my list of "lifetime trials"  got trumped with this BIG experience with my precious child.  My heart broke, my spirit died, my eyes filled with tears and my love for the God who has always helped me up DID NOT CHANGE.  Yep, you read it... Did I question Him.. you betcha!  Did I get mad at him? YEP!  Am I STILL mad sometimes? Sure Am... But He has  always been MY God and I've continued to be able to feel His presence through my agony.
    I honestly dont think that God "Allows us to endure trials".  I just can't believe that, and I've heard many people say "Why would a God who is Good, do this?"  Trust me, I've been there and still am there sometimes... I believe that God doesn't "allow" the trial, but He surrounds us while we're "IN" the trial.  I just can't believe that God "Allows" a child to have cancer or a Christian Man to suddenly fall away from God and leave for another family or A mother to suffer depression severe enough that she sees her life as meaningless and only worth ending or a family to experience the heartbreak of losing their teenager in a car accident, I will just never believe that God would see a child suffer and "allow" it.  But, even with the question of how the trial became and why... the answer being one I may not know until I approach His throne in heaven,  I still know that He gives us the ability to persevere and grow and learn through it.  I am trusting in His promise in James 1:13 " Blessed in the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love Him. "  Let me say for the record, I am NOT thankful for my trial.. I do NOT count it all joy... I am NOT feeling "blessed that the Lord chose Clayton to grow and learn through this".. (yes, this has been said to me).   I'm still mad, still discouraged, still afraid like I've never been before, but somehow I am trying to find God within my circumstance, hand it over to Him (as hard as that is) and trust His goodness to shine in the end.
    The little song "He is Good" also has a child saying this verse very animated in the middle.. I'll share "Psalm 145:8-11... The Lord is GRACIOUS and compassionate, slow to anger  and rich in love.  The Lord is good to ALL.  He has compassion on ALL He has made.  All you have made will praise you, Oh Lord.  Your saints will extol you.  They will tell of the glory of your kingdom... speak of your might."  My hope and prayer is that through all of this and through the experiences that are to come.. that all FOUR of my children would grow up,  know of the Goodness of the Lord,  trust in His hand of healing and protection, and  fully grasp the gift of His faithfulness through all circumstances.  Four healthy kids remembering this moment of God getting us through the trial, and forever being grateful for his Goodness.. That's my prayer.

1 comment:

  1. I can so relate to this... thank you for your honesty and transparency.