I know it seems like forever since I've updated. Honestly, I've not been my best self. I know that sounds crazy to most people since Clayton's tumor is gone and I should be jumping up and down.. Trust me.. I am thrilled.. I'm just tired, frustrated and struggling to be everything to all people...well, all people that I live with :) I'm just telling you the truth. I'm driving to Ft. Worth every morning for a 15 minute appt... I'm trying to get Clayton to eat..he has no appetite and in my opinion needs to eat more.. and I'm just convinced that Satan is trying to remind me of all that I am not. A friend who kindly took my call while I was sobbing reminded me not to look at the long term big picture, but to look at what's standing right in front of me. At that moment, Clayton was outside playing woofle ball with his brother and the neighborhood boys. He was laughing, running, arguing and absolutely loving life. What is wrong with me? How can I dwell on what we can't do, when I'm looking at precious right in the face.
There are so many hard things that can overwhelm me. I can choose to dwell on the future possibilties and what "might" happen during treatment, or I can look at what's right in front of me and appreciate it for what it is. Honestly, we should all do that. Life can be overwhelming and circumstances can truly steal our joy. My joy has been stolen this week. I've allowed Satan to creep in and steal it. I walked through the elementary school today with a little boy smiling his bald head off, and I was teared up because he isn't there with his friends everyday. His drawings aren't on the wall... He wasn't lining up excited to tell me about his day. Forget that he's really OK. He's alive, with NO tumor. He's happy and feeling good. He sees the bright side. He's OK... why am I not? It's just a mother's heart I guess. You all can pray with me that depression and sadness won't overwhelm me, but that the joy of what an awesome God I serve and the pleasure of having children in all their good and bads would consume me. The gift of being a mother to these kiddos and the job that God entrusted me with would be appreciated and not such a scary thing that I can't stop to enjoy it. Boy.. sorry for the heavy heart :)
The picture above is of Clayton's fox face. The awesome staff at the radiation oncologist decorated it to be a fox per his request. It's precious and he loves it. He's doing well and we're counting own to the end. 20 more treatments to go. It's hard to stand there and have a big door close that says extreme radiation with my son in there while I'm protected behind the door. VERY HARD. God Protect him! The other picture is of Clayton after his baseball game that named the Marlins first place in Midway Little League..on to city tournament they go. Then lastly, Mother's Day at the lake. The Slippery Minnow. My cute boys. Love those guys. Yall continue to pray with us that the peace of the Lord would fill our hearts and minds. That we know the greatness of his power. That the Lord's hand would be on each of us.
There are so many hard things that can overwhelm me. I can choose to dwell on the future possibilties and what "might" happen during treatment, or I can look at what's right in front of me and appreciate it for what it is. Honestly, we should all do that. Life can be overwhelming and circumstances can truly steal our joy. My joy has been stolen this week. I've allowed Satan to creep in and steal it. I walked through the elementary school today with a little boy smiling his bald head off, and I was teared up because he isn't there with his friends everyday. His drawings aren't on the wall... He wasn't lining up excited to tell me about his day. Forget that he's really OK. He's alive, with NO tumor. He's happy and feeling good. He sees the bright side. He's OK... why am I not? It's just a mother's heart I guess. You all can pray with me that depression and sadness won't overwhelm me, but that the joy of what an awesome God I serve and the pleasure of having children in all their good and bads would consume me. The gift of being a mother to these kiddos and the job that God entrusted me with would be appreciated and not such a scary thing that I can't stop to enjoy it. Boy.. sorry for the heavy heart :)
The picture above is of Clayton's fox face. The awesome staff at the radiation oncologist decorated it to be a fox per his request. It's precious and he loves it. He's doing well and we're counting own to the end. 20 more treatments to go. It's hard to stand there and have a big door close that says extreme radiation with my son in there while I'm protected behind the door. VERY HARD. God Protect him! The other picture is of Clayton after his baseball game that named the Marlins first place in Midway Little League..on to city tournament they go. Then lastly, Mother's Day at the lake. The Slippery Minnow. My cute boys. Love those guys. Yall continue to pray with us that the peace of the Lord would fill our hearts and minds. That we know the greatness of his power. That the Lord's hand would be on each of us. 
Kes,
ReplyDeleteYou are one of the strongest women I know. Never forget that. Everyone feels depressed when we should rejoice. You are honest about it and it is a precious view into your heart. We will focus our prayers on you this week and ask for protection from the dark forces at work. We love you all so very much.
Joy
Psalms 30:5
Look it up when you have time :)
Praying for you Kesleigh...
ReplyDeleteHis power is made perfect in your weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9
I love the verse shared with you in the previous comment! So true!!!!! Prayers continue ALWAYS for you guys. Even by my little ones. We will not stop praying you through this. You need not be so hard on yourself. I can't imagine how exhausted you are. Most of us moms can't even imagine what you are going through and have gone through. I hate it so much when my child has a virus...something I know that is going to go away in a few days. We just never, EVER want our children to have ANY hurt. One thing I've found that helps me in dealing with my nephew is that I try to focus on getting through each day - trying to not focus too much on the future, but rather getting through the day at hand. I constantly have to remind myself of that. Cling to that verse above. God is using YOU - even though it's the LEAST way you would have EVER chosen - to help and bless others. Praying for you!!!!!!! And of course precious Clayton!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteIt's Mindy above...something is wrong with my google account;)
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say Praise God, He is your strength and an EVER PRESENT help in troubled times ... the tumor being gone was a miracle from the touch of His had, but after going and going and pushing for the WIN there will be a let down, its the way life is. HOWEVER I felt the need to share with you that yesterday in our church(Josh attends church with me) the testimony of the tumor being gone brought some to stand and some to our knees and lots of laughter and tears - we continue to pray for your family. God is so good and faithful just call His name, cry, laugh, celebrate, struggle yet know He is holding you(and your family) <3 in Christ
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