Bearing Their Burdens

Crazy hair day

Tonight I'm writing as I sit here at Cook Children's with Clayton for his 10th round of Big Chemo.. Wow.. after tonight only 4 left.  How exciting to think that we've come this far.  Clayton has had a WONDERFUL round this past time.  He's had a high ANC, great attitude, and has not missed a day of school feeling bad.  He's PUMPED to say the least.  He's reading tons of books insisting that he stay at the top of his class, and he's approached each day with excitement and anticipation of what is to come.  So proud! Please pray that this round of chemo and the future chemos will be as good to him and the one he just finished.  I'm watching him sleep right now as the nurses are preparing to administer his chemo.  Precious little boy!
   

Caroline, my 7th grade Volleyball player!

I was just thinking  about the job of being a mother.. the gift of being a mother.. the high calling of being a mom...the privilege. Being a mom to four was a big job BEFORE I had a child on a strict chemo regimine, now it's just CRAZY.  It's not easy, and sometimes it even hurts. Moms know what's under those gorgeous smiles, and we hurt for our kids when they hurt. In most cases, we have been there before.  I've been a 12 year old with "friends" who were mean to me just because I didn't say hi in the hall  . I've been a scared 14 year old who walked into a huge new school.  I've been standing in front of a group of people who were counting on me to "get it right" and I didnt... for the most part, I can relate.  However, with Clayton and this chemo, I have NO clue what really goes on in his little heart and mind. I can't relate... and that scares me.  I can relate to the mom next door and the dad down in the family room, but I can't imagine the gut wrenching thoughts that go through Clayton's mind as he approaches the doors of the hospital, as he lays under the loud MRI machine, as he laid with a mask pinned to his face for radiation 28 days straight. I don't understand why certain smells bother him because it "smells that the radiation place".   I CAN'T relate! But, what I do know is that my heart is a little smaller because his hurts have taken a piece of it, just like my heart hurts when Caroline is sad from the  comments friends have made about her and she doesn't understand, or when Cort walks a batter when his team is counting on him for the strike out.  We moms bear ALL our kids burdens, and it's a tough job that I find has gotten harder over the years, not easier.
   

    Earlier this week, as I was laying awake trying to figure out how I'm going to be at Clayton's flag football game, Cort's out of town Baseball tournament, Kate's dance exhibition and Caroline's out of town volleyball tournament ALL ON THE SAME DAY, and all with one kiddo that will be weak from chemo, I found myself feeling discouraged. I want to be AT ALL of the activities, but it can't be so. Chad and I just can't be at all four places, as much as we both want to. For some reason, in our house whichever activity Mom attends... that child is considered  "the favorite" by his/her siblings.  Yes, talk about pressure. What my kids don't understand is that I go with each of them in my heart, and my mind has no favorites.  They are all four precious gifts to me who I treasure.

     This journey our family has been on is not one I wish to ever repeat.  EVER.. It has really pushed me to my limit as a mom, a wife, a Christian and as a friend.  It's reminded me that I am only one person, one mom who needs Godly friends to help me through.  It has reminded me that being a mom to a child with hurts is a privilege that I must embrace.  I've learned that I can't do it alone. It's made me so grateful for the amazing man and dad that stands with me and beside me everyday helping me keep the ship afloat.  It's made me know that what my mom always told me must be true... "Anything that is worth anything takes effort.. if it doesn't take effort, it's probably not worth it".  I've learned that when that test turned pink telling me the good news of a new baby... it truly meant work.  It meant that my heart would never be the same and my world had changed for the much harder, but better.  It meant bearing their burdens... always!