Friday, July 6, 2012
I couldn't help but notice today that Clayton has formed a new bond with Kate. They've always been close, but no doubt, she was momma at camp this week. So thankful for her. She was telling me that she'd be sitting down and suddenly have a little bald guy in her lap leaning back on her. She said the fireworks were made complete with a little cutie sitting on her indian style legs. So thankful for the role she played this week for him. Cort even admitted to going by at meals and making sure Clayton was eating. I just love those little guys.
One of the BEST things was, this camp was staffed with a full medical crew. There were nurses from the oncology floor, a doctor, and lots of other support staff that made the medhut an awesome gift to parents like me. The staff was able to draw Clayton's blood on Thursday to check and see if he would make counts for his big chemo scheduled for today. Well, he missed it by a HUGE amount. His red counts and platelets were great, but his white counts were terrible. In order to have chemo, his ANC must be 750... which typically, after a 3 week break, it easily is. Well, this week it was 290!!! Not only is this awful, but it's dangerously low. The ANC is the count that tells us how suseptable Clayton is to catching an illness. So, we are just being careful and praying that the count goes back up by Tuesday when we try again. This would be our prayer request. The doctor says that this may be Clayton's normal after radiation, etc. Just pray with us that we don't have anymore unexpected delays.
When I first heard that we were unable to do chemo, I was upset just because I have found myself really pressing toward finishing this, putting it all behind us and moving forward. But, you know, today as I was doing my 3rd of many more loads of laundry, which by the way.. stunk to high heavens as Caroline has apparently not been taught that you don't mix wet laundry from Monday in a sealed suitcase all week.... anyway...while doing the laundry I was talking to God and was reminded that God's timing is perfect. He knew well before me that Clayton would not make counts today. He knew that this would thrill Clayton to have a couple of days off of chemo. He KNOWS before it happens. With that said, He knows exactly when this whole journey will be over and he already has ordained the moment that Clayton will be returned to full health with full counts, lots of hair, and ready to take on his bright future full speed. Nothing I can do will change the plans He already has for our family. He also knows that I will spend a lifetime with a heart that's missing a substantial piece because of what my love is going through, and He sees the hurt, fear and sadness that I try so hard to hide from the world, and I believe that same hurt will continue to remind me that it's through Him that we live and breathe...not ourselves or our doctors.
For those of you who like to remind me that my journey will NOT be over in November... I love you, I really do. I appreciate you being honest with me and reminding me that cancer will have forever changed our family. I couldnt agree with you more. We will never be the same again, and in many ways, I am thankful. However, I will be brave and put this out there. I have a peace in my heart that the Lord has given me that Clayton's cancer is gone.. forever. In fact, I have the peace so strongly that I want with everything in me to stop these chemo treatments, walk the other way, and never look back. I will not do that, though, because as a mom, it's my job to insure that Clayton returns to full health to the best of my ability. You see, my fear is not the cancer, but the danger the treatments are on his body. I truly believe that Clayton was healed and that we will not see this again. I'm not saying that as a hopeful mother, I'm TELLING you that I believe the healing has already been done in Clayton. That's what makes this momma's heart hurt... I honestly feel like I'm doing these chemo treatments and the healing has already been done. But, we press on, pray for God's hand over the rest of our treatment, and wait on HIM. .. Now, next week.. when I'm freaking out because things aren't lining up like I want, yall remind me I said that.
But, for this weekend, Clayton will be hanging out with his Nana and cousins, away from visitors and the public and Chad and I will be watching Cort play ball in Dallas. Please continue to pray for our family. We love you all and are forever grateful.
Ecclesiates 3.... the whole chapter.. but mostly "What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has set eternity in the human heart, yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." His time is perfect... God's timing.. Not mine.