Saturday, July 28, 2012
I'm still mad!
Last week we had a great time at South Padre Island. Clayton had a great time and thoroughly enjoyed the beach. Our whole family had fun. The resort was beautiful and the company was great. I honestly couldn't have asked for a better experience. I'm so thankful that God heard our prayer and kept Clayton well so that we could all be together and enjoy all the fun. We did late night crabbing, parasailing, lots of swimming, boogie boarding, and had fun with some pirates. I promise to post pics soon..I'm using my iPad, and it won't let me upload pics here tonight. Clayton was amazing and full of energy....until the last day. Our last day there, he hit a wall. He didnt get sick, just lacked energy and lost his appetite...again... Which leads me to express my current thoughts. I'm mad!! Really irritated. I sometimes feel like a spoiled brat complaining about my circumstance when I do see Gods hand on Clayton, but I'm still mad. I look at my baby's little weary body and see the frustration that he has. I can't make it go away! My heart has never ached so badly. After talking closely with my girls this week at South Padre, I heard the hurt in their hearts too. I hear their desire to just be Kate and Caroline and not "that girl whose brother has cancer". I know their desire to hear their mom laughing and being "the fun mom again." I see my husband's dread when he sees my tears...again. I see the complete hurt on him when despite the fact that he loves me intensely, I push him away because he can't fix this either. I see the wall I've placed between us because his way of dealing with this health burden is different than mine, and I can't understand it. We're hurting...bad! And it makes me mad! I've had some really great times with the Lord this past week. I found myself alone on the dark sandy beach in front of a gorgeous ocean on my knees trying my best to understand how a God big enough to create such an amazing scene could allow my precious little boy suffer. If the Lord knew Clayton before he formed him as a complete surprise and gift in my womb, didn't He also know his cells were preparing to be cancerous? Why did He not immediately fix it? Why did He allow them to grow? It's these thoughts I can't make sense of. But, somehow as I walk off that beach after a good cry and scream at God, I leave knowing He is amazing God regardless of how much I don't understand. Today as I was driving through town, Right in front of my face I saw a massive sign that said, "1 in 5 children diagnosed with cancer will die" Cold hard facts that I can't get away from, and again, I'm mad. My heart sinks, my stomach turns, the tears flow and I'm back at that moment that I'm questioning God. This time I start reasoning with Him. You know, I was the kid growing up that said NO to peer pressure, who wasn't afraid to stand up for what's right, who didn't drink, cuss or smoke... who BOLDLY spoke the gospel to people around me...Lord, how is this FAIR? I lost friends because I was devoted to You...I lost boyfriends because I said NO... We've even given faithfully at times when we didn't have anything to give!! Make sense of this for me, Lord! All I can hear as a wait for an answer is " When you are weak, I am strong". "Be still and know that I am God".."Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart"... Ugh ok, Lord, but I'm still mad!! I still don't understand, but please help me use this for your glory. Please continue to pray for this weary momma's heart. For attacks from Satan to be slammed with the power of God before they get near my family. For miracles to continue in my baby who is truly innocent to all of this...For continued healing, for his appetite to return and the weight loss to stop, and for the next upcoming chemo scheduled for Wednesday. Pray for him to make counts so we can keep trudging forward to the finish line. Cover us!