Thursday, October 11, 2012

11 of 14 COMPLETED..

 So, we've just completed round 11 of 14.  THREE MORE.. Yesterday Clayton went to school until 12:00, then we headed over to Cook for overnight chemo.  The process takes a while and they are in no huge rush to start the chemo, which is just fine with Clayton.  His nervous energy makes him a little more rambunctious than he normally is, and usually accompanies some behavior problems which I'm sure the staff is completely used to in every kid.  He got to his room about 4:00 and did the prechemo medications, then about 10:00 pm it was time for chemo.  Well, Clayton, my little crazy kid, always has to have some kind of trick up his sleeve to "scare" the nurses.  So, last night the nurse said, I'll be right back with your chemo.  She left the room, Clayton had me hit the lights, and on went his glow in the dark zombie mask.  The nurse walked in and Clayton turned over in his bed hollering " I want to eat your brains."  Bless their hearts.  The nurses are so sweet about it and of course call the rest of the staff in to see it.  Then, they leave again and out
  comes the remote controlled rat.  I don't know how they work under these conditions, but somehow the chemo is administered to a laughing, smiling boy who is trying with everything in him to make the best out of his nightmare.  Love that so much in him.
   Well, the fun comes to an end in the morning.  As is typical, he woke up feeling absolutely terrible this morning in the hospital.  He was very sick to his stomach and complaining that his eyes were burning and just doubled over in pain.  The fun little boy he came in as has now turned into a sad hurting kid who doesn't deserve any of this. It's these moments that I realize what exactly is happening to us.  It's now that I have to stop myself from saying " Why are you doing this to him, Lord...   Where are my angels that watch over him....What are you THINKING, God"?  I just have to stop myself and realize that my God is not the cause of the suffering, but he's the hand holding us up through it. As I type that, I'm reminding myself that He is here, He does care and He knows the hurt.  It's just watching Clayton cry out in pain and understanding that not only can I not stop it, but I allowed it by bringing him to the hospital to receive the's hard for this mom's heart.  So, I sit and pray for him outloud, I just have to trust and believe that God is with us even when it sometimes doesn't feel like it.   After a few hours of nausea medicines, and some sleep, he wakes up ok and decides that going home would be great.  Now, he's perked up, helped make his brother's birthday cake, and is soon to be wrapping the gifts for me.  I even heard him ask if we can leave a little early to get Cort so he can take an AR test (Reading) before school ends.  No, I don't understand it, nor will I pretend to.  He is all about living life to the fullest, pushing the thoughts of the bad to the back and pressing forward... My son.. So proud. Now we pray he stays strong with his counts, doesn't get sick, and is able to keep going until round 12.
    I'm in no way making this journey of Clayton's about me.  I am enduring NOTHING compared to him, but I will say that trying to make all of this "okay" for the other three is exhausting.  Tonight Kate dances at the fair, Caroline has an out of town volleyball game, and it's Cort's 10th birthday.  Trying to take care of Clayton, and be mom for the other three has proven impossible today.  Thank you to all of my sweet friends that step in and be mom when I can't.  I love you for it so much!  Thank you all for continuing to lift us us.  The marathon is coming to an end.  I can see the finish line... The above pics are from the pumpkin patch this weekend. Too cute not to post.

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