Tuesday, October 2, 2012

In the Window...

   It is strange how things happen. One day you are worried about one thing and then the next day that concern seems so trivial compared to the next newer one.  That is the story of my life!.. Well, up until this point.  I have always been an anxiety ridden, make something out of nothing, stressed, stomach aching Momma who always seemed nervous.. always feeling anxious and honestly couldn't always stop and enjoy life. I don't think I'm that Momma anymore.  I know my nerves and anxiety have been shifted to my baby, so they do still exist..  I think I just realize what worrying has gotten me versus just praying and handing it all over to the God who loves me. Don't let me lie.. I still want to take this situation and put my grasp on it and make it MY plan, but I'm trying very hard to remember that God's plan is better, or better yet trust that His plan is better even when I can't see how that could possibly be so.
       I wanted to share what I see, and have seen, when I am doing my dishes, which is an endless job with a 6 member family, and look out of my kitchen window.  Now, it's night time in this picture, so I'm really not wanting to focus on the  yard, playground set, random kids toys strewn about the yard, or the trampoline that got torn during the recent rainstorm. I see all of that too, and often pretend the mess doesnt exist, but  I'm wanting to focus on the sweet verses that have lined my windowsill really for the last year. These verses and thoughts that I've  just subconsciously read and remembered every day.
    About 2 years ago a sweet bunko friend gave out verses beautifully written and framed for each member of the group.  Little did she know how much I would rely on this verse over the upcoming months.  "Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you" James 4:8.  Such simple words, but so big at the same time.  Just a reminder to let Him in, trust Him and give Him a chance to be near to my heart.  Next to it is a wooden block I purchased at Hobby Lobby also about 2 years ago.  I can NOT tell you how this has ministered to me during this walk with Clayton.  I have used every bit of it and need these reminders many times a day.  It says " You can do ALL things through Christ who Strengthens you".. yes, I can, and have, even when I'm saying I can't and kicking and screaming.... "You were created in MY image.  I am on your side." Thank you, Lord for being on our team.. "Two are better than one is always an appropriate response." I've had two thoughts on this one..This walk is NOT easy on a marriage.  There have been days that I'm sure both Chad and I have needed to remember how important it is that the TWO of us stay focused on the big picture and work together to get our family through the hard times. And.. my second thought is remembering that I am stronger with Christ than I could ever be without.. two is better than one. " I will NEVER leave you" Thank you Lord for standing with us, holding us and letting us rest in you! "Hope is an anchor to the soul" Hope... wow.. I have never understood that word as much as I do right now.  Hoping for the best... believing for the best ALWAYS..." I have a good plan for you"  Okay, Lord.. I'm going to trust you and have faith that your "good plan" will unfold. Thank you that you love me and my family enough to plan good for us.  And last..."I am the Lord who heals you"  Yes, You are.  You are our healer and we are so very thankful for your mercy and grace over Clayton and our family.  We just don't even understand it, but we are so very thankful that you are HEALER.
     I was just thinking how strange it is that I bought his little plaque so long ago, and what a blessing and ministry it would be for me over the next few years.  I'm sure if you had stopped me in Hobby Lobby the day I bought this a while ago and told me what I was soon to face, I would have called you a crazy liar and never spoken to you again,  But I feel like this is an example of " He goes before me.. He shields my way."  I do believe the Lord prepares us for things that we will be forced to deal with as we go about life. 
    I also have this sweet little picture of Clayton. It's one of my favorites.  He was well, full of hair, mischievious and the same sweet boy that he is now.  I'll be honest with you,  I want to see that little boy again.  I love the bald head, don't get me wrong, I just want to see the healthy glow again. I want to see his long pretty eyelashes that so perfectly accent his little eyes.  I want it for him and for me.  I want to see him strong and without worry.  I miss the carefree way he ran and played without me following behind him protecting him, like I do now.  I am tired of looking into his pale face and seeing his sunken in eyes and worrying about his blood counts.  Just honestly, I'm ready to see my boy whole and healthy again.  I'm trusting, hoping and believing in the promise that God has promised me good, He will never leave me, He is Healer and He is on our side.
     Last week Clayton had to go get his bloodwork.  He has been a true champion and so strong during these blood draws, but this was a hard one.  Miss Laura had to work for this one.  It caused Clayton some pain and lots of tears and right during the midst of his pain, He looked right at me and said " I really hate you."  I know he doesn't.  I know he hates cancer, needles, chemo, nausea, hospitals, being strong when he wants to be weak, all of these things... I guess that day, I represented all that he hates.  I do not take it personally, as 30 seconds later he was begging me to hold him.  But, I'm tired.. he's tired.. we're all tired and ready to approach a fresh start in the new year.  Please continue to hold us up.  Four more chemos.. we can do this!  Praise the Lord for His hand on Clayton and our family.  We are forever in awe and grateful.


  1. Kes! You are doing a great job writing all of this up. Thanks for being honest and sharing your thoughts so well. While Ian is not ill there are still days when the struggles that he faces and that we face as a family seem overwhelming. Last week was one of those weeks for us. Taking time to read what is going on in your life reminds me of truth--all the comments you made--that God is in control and that He has a good (marvelous) plan for our life--even when we don't understand it. I am praying for your rest and for Clayton--especially for you and Chad.

  2. Hang in there girl. Keep looking for that light at the end of the tunnel. That light is Jesus shining the way to the end of this trial! I am always so amazed at your raw yet honest thoughts penned so perfectly for us to see a glimmer of your "REAL" life at this current time. Love you. Kelley D. Warren

  3. I came across your blog because my 5 year old daughter was also diagnosed with rhabdo in March. It has been quite a journey for us as well. We are also christian, and I appreciate and can relate to your sentiments, faith, and trust in God. Because my Annie is so young, I wonder how much she'll actually remember from this whole experience, but I pray that if she can remember one thing it's that the Lord loves her and is helping her through this trial. A friend of ours gave us a beautiful painting of Jesus kneeling by a young girl and wiping a tear off of her cheek. We hung it in Annie's room, and she said to me the other night that she loves looking at that picture because it makes her feel like God is watching over her. I am always amazed at her childlike faith. When I am waivering and questioning "Why", she is the one who reminds me to trust in the Lord. She has a very good prognosis, for which we are so thankful. She finished her last round of chemo and scans (which were clear!), and we go back in for scans in December. In the meantime, she has started back at preschool and is enjoying being a kid again. Thank you for your inspiring blog! We will add Clayton to our prayers, and he will win!