Tuesday, October 30, 2012


 Today.. at this moment... Clayton is supposed to be in my car, driving to Cooks to get his 12 of 14 chemo treatments, but once again.. he didn't have good enough blood counts to go.  SO.. he takes a week off, which he doesnt mind at all, and tries again on Tuesday of next week.  Being the planner that I am and the mom who is so ready to be done with this treatment plan, this initially upsets me.  I start thinking about Christmas approaching, our Make a Wish trip in January and how this one week set back might just disrupt the family.  It's then that I stop and realize.... its REALLY ok.  It's a matter of perspective.
   This week has been hard for several of my friends.  When I say hard , I mean life changing, devastatingly HARD.  I've had a dear friend who's little boy had major surgery to remove his eye to rid himself of the awful cancer that took over his precious little eye socket.  I had another sweet friend who found out her dad has metastised cancer in numerous places in his body and the family is unsure how long he has to live.  Then, the most heart breaking news ever came over my facebook last night.  A precious little boy in Caddo Mills where my husband grew up was hit by a pick up truck and killed instantly last night.  This precious little life... a little boy who went to school, came home, and was outside playing with his dog, met Jesus last night.  With no warning, no time for I love yous and no goodbyes. An amazing homecoming for him, but a sorrow that I can't begin to understand for his precious family. It's perspective, Friends.
    I am finding it harder and harder to have self pity through this walk with Clayton.  I think it's a learning process that I've unknowingly been on the past 8 months.  It just takes a second to look around you, take in the lives of the many people that surround you and realize that life's not all that bad.   
      Last night Caroline and I were talking with Clayton and I was telling him that if he "makes counts" we would be going to Cook.  I was getting him excited about being there on Halloween and the many fun things that would be there if he would get to go.  He stopped and said.. " Mom, what if people who have cancer miss counts and have to miss a week?  Does that mean their cancer grows back while they don't get the chemo?"  First of all, let me say how amazing it is that my little barely 7 year old son has processed that in his head and is now brave enough to ask it. My response.. " Clayton, your cancer will not come back just because you delay chemo a week.  We are doing all the chemo so our chances of your cancer returning are small.  I can't promise you that you will never have cancer again, but I can promise you that we are doing everything we know to do to make sure it doesnt happen."  I then remind him that there's no guarantee that I won't get cancer, or anyone else for that matter.  He is no different than anyone else.  No one is guaranteed a cancer free life, or even a tomorrow for that matter.  It's just so gut wrenching to be having this conversation with my precious, innocent, 7 year old baby.  Already so aware of so much that I wish he never had to even be aware of.
    This weekend was the Relay for Life.  I'm sharing lots of photos from the night.  It was amazing.  Thank you to our precious friends that came out and supported us.  I can't tell you what it meant.  The most amazing moments were walking the survivor walk with Clayton.  The voices of the many people cheering for him and calling his name was precious. To see the luminarie bags decorated for the many children and adults who lost their lives to cancer and the realize that my baby is WINNING.. was overwhelming. I'm so very grateful. I looked down at him with HUGE tears streaming down my face, and noticed the same tears on his.  It was a meaningful moment that I know neither one of us will ever forget.  I've never been so proud of anything ever before in my life as I was of my son in that very moment.  Wow!  Thanks for all who made it happen.
    Just this Sunday our pastor was talking about healing the sick and being able to find good and remember that God is good in all things.  I will say that the goodness of the Lord is what I cling to. I am sooo thankful that He's given me the "perspective" I need to realize that it's ok... we're ok.. Clayton is ok. My prayer is that I would know that even when times ARENT good.. even if God hadn't awarded my miracle in a cancer free Clayton, that I would always profess the goodness of the Lord.  Thanks be to God for healing my baby, holding us tight, and being soverign over us. 


  1. Thank you Kesleigh (once again) for sharing !!

  2. Love reading your words. We pray every single day for y'all.