Tuesday, November 27, 2012

It is what it is....

  I'm just sitting here in my very quiet house...everyone is sleeping, but me.... , looking at my gorgeous Christmas tree and thinking about how good life really is.  I had a little pity party today when Clayton didn't make his counts to have his big chemo.  He missed it, but not by much.  It is very discouraging, and here is why... for those of you who don't understand this.
    Clayton is scheduled to have two more chemos.  Each chemo is set to be 3 weeks apart, however, one can not have the chemo drugs if his bone marrow has not recovered from his previous chemo.  Bone marrow is a funny thing.  Sometimes it will recover well, but other times it is tired and takes longer to get back on track.  The further one goes through treatment, the harder it is for the body to recover. Typically 7-10 days after the chemo is administered, Clayton is at a dangerous low with his white cell counts, then the counts slowly recover over the next 2 weeks.  Now, with my Clayton it is impossible, most of the time, to tell if his counts are low or not because he is an active little boy.  I will tell you honestly that I do notice that he cant play like his brother, cousin, or neighborhood friends can.  He takes rests and sometimes just says he'd prefer to build legos.  I know this is because he's low and just has spurts of energy.  So, I never know when he won't make counts.  It's a guessing game....Now,  Back to why it's discouraging... Christmas is Dec 25th and Clayton's Make a Wish trip is Jan 2-8.  If Clayton can't make his chemo this week, he'll go next week, making his last chemo the week of Christmas.  As I said, his Make a Wish trip is Jan 2-8 which would be during his hardest, most dangerous time in treatment.  If you've ever been to Disney, then you understand "crowds" is an understatement.  So, at that point we'd have to decide to postpone his chemo or the trip.  Now, I can't imagine much more discouraging than finishing his CELEBRATION Make a Wish trip and returning to Cook for another chemo. So, we are trying again to make counts for this Friday.  He was not too far from the number, so we are hopeful that it will happen.
     Clayton has no idea that not making counts was discouraging.  In fact, he doesn't mind skipping at all and that is because I make it a HUGE priority for my precious 7 year old to not see the negatives in this big picture.  He is a little guy who desperately clings to the positives and has been a  true example to me of courage, peace, trust and patience.. to say the least.  I honestly have learned so much from him through the past 10 months.  Through this whole experience he has faced tough news with a positive spirit, which I know he gets from his Daddy.
    Tonight, instead of being at Cooks hooked up to an iv pole receiving the poison that chemo is, Clayton thoroughly enjoyed helping me decorate our Christmas tree, talking my ear off, playing keep away in the living room with his Daddy, brother and a football and just loving being home with his family.  It definitely put me in my place as I remember earlier today crying, griping out life and throwing punches at my trusty punching bag just because my timeline got messed up.  This is about Clayton... his health... his recovery and his long life.  It's not about anything else.  Praying, and trying to remind myself that the rest will work out in perfect timing.  God is Bigger, He goes before me, and He knows the plan.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has HUGE plans for Clayton.. and I hope He has some for me too after this is over.  So, I have NO other choice than to rest in that, and let God work His plan.. even when it doesn't match mine. I'd be lying if I said I'm not still annoyed... I am, but it is what it is..
   Psalm 55:22 "Cast your cares on the Lord.  He will sustain you.  He will NEVER let the righteous be shaken."


  1. Kesleigh, you are such a good mama. I know how discouraging it can be not to make counts. Especially when you are so close to the end. The first weeks seem to whizz by and at the end they seem to drag by. Keep your chin up and your knees down. He knows your cares, and he loves you.

    We're praying that Clayton will make counts on Friday and the celebration can go as planned.



  2. Kes,
    You are doing so well and you are so strong through all of this. You are an inspiration to me as well as others of how honest you are with your thoughts, feelings, no matter what they are. You are human and are allowed to feel what you feel. You have done a remarkable job over the past 10 months. Don't forget that. God has given you strength and probably exceeded your own expectations of yourself. We can see God carrying you through all of this. We continue to pray and know that we love you guys.
    Deuteronomy 31:6 and Psalm 9:9