Thursday, November 29, 2012

This one's for me

  This afternoon we learned that Clayton didn't make counts again and he won't be getting his chemo this week.  Because of this, he will attempt to have his treatment on Tuesday, Dec 4th.  If he completes chemo on the 4th, this makes his next chemo due on Christmas Day.. Yep Dec 25th.  Since our clinic isn't open on Christmas, his last chemo would be scheduled for Dec. 26th... So, after he opens all his fun presents, he gets to wake up the day after Christmas and have chemo.  Well.. Hooray.. (Sarcastic comment).  Since his last chemo is the 26th, he will be at his very lowest spot a week after, which is his Disney trip.  We will not risk this with Clayton because he has looked forward to this trip for so long.  Sooo.. we will be postponing his trip for a couple of months.  We are trying to see if the Make a Wish foundation will be able to reschedule the trip for Spring Break.  And... its really ok.  I talked to Clayton about it and his comment was " Oh maybe I'll have hair and it'll be long enough to make me taller for the scary rides measurer".  True.. very true.
    This setback today was followed by a couple of other frustrating events that honestly made me laugh.  It just all came at once.. honestly within about 30 minutes of each other.  Strangely enough, I was ok. I didn't cry, I didn't yell at anyone... I didn't need my punching bag... I really did laugh! Listen,  I am NOT going to say that this experience with Clayton has always given me the " Oh well.. It's okay" feeling.  Honestly,  I will confess to you, that none of this is ok.  It's not ok that my baby has/had cancer.. and I am still mad about that.  It's just NOT.  But lots of things in our lives are NOT ok, but somehow we have to see what IS ok around it.  So,  For my own good, I'm going to map out my day just to prove how much good was in my day vs the bad.  Let's just see what I come up with... I'll note good with :) and bad with :(
-  Morning...
- Woke up.. first thing that went through my head.. and I'm not making this up "Choose you this day who you will serve" I thought... strange, but okay.. I will.
- Stepped on the scale.. picked up a couple lbs.. uh oh :(
- Clayton ate breakfast :)
- Boys were tardy for school :( , but Caroline was on time :)
- Got a surprise phone call from a precious friend in Namibia. :)
- Made it to Zumba (good thing after the scale episode) :)
- Got a GREAT spot in Zumba :)
- Afternoon
- Had a great lunch with a precious friend :)
- My debit Card got declined :( .. I had a back up card that worked :)
- My husband immediately moved money :)
- Watched Clayton PLAYING on the playground at school :)))))
- Saw Clayton answer his teacher calling his name from afar.. Reminder that my baby did NOT lose his hearing as we were first told he may :))))
- Took Clayton for bloodwork where he cried :((((
- Received and Deposited a Pay Check. :) Yeah me
- My husband complimented my appearance :)
- Caroline and I found a $14 headboard to refinish for Kate's bedroom :))
- Received a text that Clayton didn't make counts :(
- Received a voicemail that our tenants at our rent house had to be evicted :(
- Received a call that we CANT close on our new house tomorrow because of a title problem :(
- Came home to see my boys laughing and playing ball in the backyard with neighbors :)
- Clayton had his first basketball practice.. a reminder that he's enjoying things his doctor said he'd not feel like doing :)
- Took Kate to Sonic, which made Cort late for basketball because the worker dropped our order :(
- Watched Caroline do cheer :)
- Went out for pizza.. ran into sweet friends :) .. about the pizza vs the scale .. don't worry.. I ate salad.
- Enjoyed an outing to Target with Caroline where I found a cute dress for $7.48 :) Debit card worked :)
- Had Starbucks :) Skinny Peppermint Mocha :)
- Told the kids about the delays with the Disney trip and the house closing.. they ALL handled it well :)
- Told Clayton that he would not be done with chemo by Christmas: (  (I've committed to be up front with him about everything.. no surprises)
-  He handled it just fine.. as always :)
- Listened to one of my girls complain about her furniture :(.. not a big priority right now, but remember she's a teenager..
- Listened to my boys giggle in their room before bed :)
- Read many posts of how our friends are praying for us :)
- Got a good night kiss from my husband and was reminded that we're together, we're okay.. and cancer did NOT tear us apart :)

Life's not all that bad, friends.  Sure.. disappointments happen every day and somehow we just have to take a deep breath,  look at the HUGE picture of the Good things and face the next day willing and armed with God's promises to make it great.  As Dr. Phil says .. Be excited about life.  There's so much to enjoy if we will just take it in.   I know that there are so many people truly hurting.  There are devastating things happening all around us.  I know that there are hurts deeper than I have ever known, and trust me.. this old heart has ached pretty bad.  But, I am so thankful that even during the deepest hurt I have ever felt, I am still reminded of the promises of my God. A friend reminded me of Isaiah 41:9 " I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous hand"  So thankful that I am able to lay it down at His feet.. and off of my shoulders. Now, If I can just commit to do that.. Give it to Him.
   Still so so grateful for your prayers.  Love you all.. Words can't express!! Just can't!!

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