Monday, February 27, 2012
I'm not brave... I'm terrified!
You all that write me are so sweet. By the way, when we get blog comments, we read them all. I'm not always able to respond back because I don't really know how and don't have all of your addresses, but I so appreciate it. So many of you incredible people have said how brave we are to be walking this journey. Well, I don't consider myself brave. I consider myself terrified. Just fear of the unknown.
It's hard to put it into words. I do trust that Clayton is going to be fine when this hard road is over because I can't imagine it any other way, but I'm still terrified! Fear of the unknown. How will he respond to treatment?... which by the way.. he will begin on Wednesday. What will his limitations be?. What if he gets terribly sick?. What if he breaks down emotionally? What if kids make fun of his bald head and Cort's not there to sock them?, what if... what if... what if... What if I can't do this?.... What if my OTHER kids can't do this? What if I miss something incredibly life changing for them and dont see it?... It's unbearable.
To be honest, I wake up with a huge knot in my stomach because the nightmare didn't end. It is still there. I see his little innocent self and am trying to figure out how between now and Wednesday I explain to him why we are going to poison his body... why he can't go to school... why his hair will be gone.. It's a moms scariest nightmare. I'm not brave... I'm terrified.
The only thing I know is that there is a peace that flows over me when I'm so afraid like I am. It's uncanny. I feel like this journey is mine for a reason, one which I will NEVER understand, but I'm supposed to figure it out. I'm supposed to grow and learn and be stronger from it. I'm supposed to touch someone or something that otherwise would not have been changed. That still doesn't change the mother's heart of .. why MY boy? Why not just me? It doesnt make sense. It doesnt make sense for all of these precious kids surrounding me. Unknowning and so trusting. It doesnt change the fact that when I really think about what's going on.. I'm NOT brave.. I'm terrified.
A friend sent me these verses today.."But thou, O Lord, are a shield for me: My glory and the lifter up of my head." Psalm 3:3 " For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways." Psalm 91:11 ; I'm resting in these tonight.
And most importantly.. Clayton is doing GREAT. He had a great day and got up to the playroom, did lots of crafts, played xbox, played First In Math, had his iv removed, and is kicked back watching Open Season 3 on the exciting Texas Children's Hospital Movie Channel. Yes, watching the hospital movies is the highlight of the day. He ate today and was sitting himself up in bed. Considering that he has a HUGE wound on his side from his kidney surgery, it's impressive. His Urologist came by today as he was walking in the hall and was amazed at his movement. My little guy is an amazing trooper. Lord.. Please Please Please... let my baby heal and have the opportunity to be everything that he is capable of being.
1- Obviously healing of the cancer
2- First treatment to go smoothly Wednesday morning.
3- My other kids at home. They are hurting, but doing GREAT with Granny.
4- That this terrified mother will embrace this new life with hope, security, faith and a calm spirit.
Love you all