Monday, February 27, 2012

I'm not brave... I'm terrified!

You all that write me are so sweet. By the way, when we get blog comments, we read them all. I'm not always able to respond back because I don't really know how and don't have all of your addresses, but I so appreciate it. So many of you incredible people have said how brave we are to be walking this journey. Well, I don't consider myself brave. I consider myself terrified. Just fear of the unknown.

It's hard to put it into words. I do trust that Clayton is going to be fine when this hard road is over because I can't imagine it any other way, but I'm still terrified! Fear of the unknown. How will he respond to treatment?... which by the way.. he will begin on Wednesday. What will his limitations be?. What if he gets terribly sick?. What if he breaks down emotionally? What if kids make fun of his bald head and Cort's not there to sock them?, what if... what if... what if... What if I can't do this?.... What if my OTHER kids can't do this? What if I miss something incredibly life changing for them and dont see it?... It's unbearable.

To be honest, I wake up with a huge knot in my stomach because the nightmare didn't end. It is still there. I see his little innocent self and am trying to figure out how between now and Wednesday I explain to him why we are going to poison his body... why he can't go to school... why his hair will be gone.. It's a moms scariest nightmare. I'm not brave... I'm terrified.

The only thing I know is that there is a peace that flows over me when I'm so afraid like I am. It's uncanny. I feel like this journey is mine for a reason, one which I will NEVER understand, but I'm supposed to figure it out. I'm supposed to grow and learn and be stronger from it. I'm supposed to touch someone or something that otherwise would not have been changed. That still doesn't change the mother's heart of .. why MY boy? Why not just me? It doesnt make sense. It doesnt make sense for all of these precious kids surrounding me. Unknowning and so trusting. It doesnt change the fact that when I really think about what's going on.. I'm NOT brave.. I'm terrified.

A friend sent me these verses today.."But thou, O Lord, are a shield for me: My glory and the lifter up of my head." Psalm 3:3 " For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways." Psalm 91:11 ; I'm resting in these tonight.

And most importantly.. Clayton is doing GREAT. He had a great day and got up to the playroom, did lots of crafts, played xbox, played First In Math, had his iv removed, and is kicked back watching Open Season 3 on the exciting Texas Children's Hospital Movie Channel. Yes, watching the hospital movies is the highlight of the day. He ate today and was sitting himself up in bed. Considering that he has a HUGE wound on his side from his kidney surgery, it's impressive. His Urologist came by today as he was walking in the hall and was amazed at his movement. My little guy is an amazing trooper. Lord.. Please Please Please... let my baby heal and have the opportunity to be everything that he is capable of being.

Prayer Points:
1- Obviously healing of the cancer
2- First treatment to go smoothly Wednesday morning.
3- My other kids at home. They are hurting, but doing GREAT with Granny.
4- That this terrified mother will embrace this new life with hope, security, faith and a calm spirit.

Love you all


  1. Kesleigh, please know that we are praying for your family everyday!!! We have had a lot of the same emotions when Andrew got his pacemaker and Anna came early!! Its OK to be mad, afraid, and anything else. Our God is Bigger than the Boogie Man and he can handle it all. Please call me if we can do anything!

  2. Praying for you. May God's peace dwell richly in you. Lord Jesus, heal Clayton!

  3. Praying continuously and always having you in my thoughts. Clayton will have one heck of a testimony when he's a grown man!!! How great for him to tell the story of how GOD healed his body! GOD is already moving in amazing ways through all of this. Know that truth!!!

    In HIM,
    Nicole Rodriguez

  4. Dawson's "CC " wristban has almost turned black from continuous wear...Your struggle has brought Dawson closer to God if it has served no other glorified purpose. We love you and your family, and we are in continuous prayer. I believe the Holy Spirit was ablazed in our midst as we prayed with Cort's team this weekend, and when you are in the presence of such warming and comforting power, you know it, and are inclined to share the experience. Be blessed....john

  5. I went to CHS with Karen and have LOVED reconnecting with her through CCT and am so impressed with your family's love, strength and commitment to each other and to all of us in God's community. I have been praying for your precious one and know that God's healing power is working through all of us and you. Please release one less burden on yourself and just know that your other children are in the loving arms of your family and are surely not feeling any longing of their Mother's Love as their hearts are strengthened by your commitment to making their little brother better.

  6. my fav chapter that I cling to often --

    Psalm 121 "I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; From where shall my help come? My help comes from the LORD, Who made heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to slip; He who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, He who keeps Israel Will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD is your keeper; The LORD is your shade on your right hand. The sun will not smite you by day, Nor the moon by night. The LORD will protect you from all evil; He will keep your soul. The LORD will guard your going out and your coming in From this time forth and forever."

    love you all ... praying

  7. “Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me! For my soul trusts in You; and in the shadow of Your wings I will make my refuge, until these calamities have passed by.” (Psalm 57:1)
    Please know that we continue praying for you, Clayton and your family!

    Virginia and Lupe Fuentes

    1. I pray for you daily, Kesleigh, and your family - especially the other kids. Wrote you a long letter because I couldn't figure out how to post to the blog until today. Know you and yours are prayed for daily - many times.

  8. Dear Castle family,
    We just wanted you to know that the Ladies Bible Study at First Baptist Waco prays for you each day and specifically each Wednesday morning at 9:30 a.m. May you feel God's peace, experience His presence, and know of our love for you.

  9. Hello Kesleigh and big hugs to Clayton. We are praying for you daily and trusting God for his indescribable love to enfold your entire family. I surely do understand the fear of the unknown, having traveled down a fearsome road this past 18th months myself. I have learned how God's perfect love casts out all fear! I've learned that when I am weak, THEN I am strong! I've learned that I don't have all the answers, but God does and he's gone before me and left provision in each and every day. He is faithful when my world was rocking and collapsing. I've learned it's okay to ask questions and to cry your heart out before Him. His comfort is incredible and palpable! I still feel His encouragement daily. Because He lives, YOU can face tomorrow!
    We love you guys...Barb